


homesick song

by littlevodika



Series: star wars fanfiction/reader inserts [12]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Be Ready For The Big Sad, F/M, He Doesn't Deserve The Pain I Put Him Thru In This, He Sings So Well, I'm Sorry, I've Expanded On This On My Tumblr, Song: Dream A Little Dream Of Me (Mamas and the Papas), This Is Sad, Tup Sings When He's Homesick, in advance, the softest boy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-01
Updated: 2020-07-01
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:40:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25023328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlevodika/pseuds/littlevodika
Summary: tup has a certain song he hums when he misses you and his brothers know it well. what they don’t expect is for him to one day stop singing, nor the way they ache to hear him sing his song one more time.
Relationships: CT-5385 | Tup/Reader
Series: star wars fanfiction/reader inserts [12]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1695919
Comments: 1
Kudos: 26





	homesick song

**Author's Note:**

> i was gonna make this sweet and romantic but then i had an idea…  
> warnings: major character death (and implications of another one), one mention of smut, and the overwhelming urge to murder me by the end of this if not before

_stars shining bright above you_   
_night breezes seem to whisper "i love you"_   
_birds singing in the sycamore tree_   
_dream a little dream of me_

several shiny troopers were struggling to identify the foreign humming noise coming from their helmets. they all knew it wasn’t themselves and that there shouldn’t be anything messing with their communication channels, so what gives?

jude looked on, a sad smile crossing his lips. he was familiar with the plight of the younger vod and remembered the confusion well when he was new to the five-oh-first. the humming would be sporadic and just when he’d think he got rid of it, there it was again. after asking an arc for assistance on the matter thinking that he was doing something wrong with his gear, he got a simple answer: he departed to the shinies. “tup’s just homesick, that’s all.”

“homesick?”  
“got someone waitin’ for him back at the triple zero, he hums when he misses ‘em.”  
“that’s him we keep hearing?”  
“yeah, you’ll learn the song soon enough.”

he left it at that. jude knew the song by heart and it didn’t even mean anything to him. once one hears something long enough you start memorizing it’s cadence, catching themselves mimicking the noise when things were too quiet or sometimes without even meaning to.

this was the case with tup’s song. the tear-dropped trooper had a special someone waiting for him on coruscant, someone that loved him for who he was and valued everything in the man that he overlooked. it was a source of envy among some of the men, but most were happy for their vod for being able to experience something so pure, untarnished by the grime that war leaves on its soldiers.

he told them once that the song was the one playing when he kissed you for the first time. from then on it held a special place in both of your hearts, him singing it to you when you bathed and you to him when he had nightmares or flashbacks. it was your song and he loved it almost as much as he loved you.

tup’s was gentle when he hummed the tune or whispered the lyrics. his voice sang of a reverence that simply wasn’t present with anything else he did. he only spoke that softly or sang so melodically when it was about you, the love of his life.

_say "night-ie night" and kiss me_   
_just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me_   
_while i'm alone and blue as can be_   
_dream a little dream of me_

when jude heard that they were returning to coruscant earlier that cycle, he knew to expect tup to be singing with a tinge more happiness than he’d had in weeks. they hadn’t been back in nearly two months and everyone could tell tup was anxious to get back to his riduur (they hadn’t made it official but tup had expressed the desire to do so). singing became the only voluntary noises he made several days ago, only reverting to normal speech patterns when given orders or when in the middle of a firefight.

maybe now that they were going on leave tup would finally snap back to normal for a while before the homesickness came back. it always did; sometimes it would take a week, sometimes only days, but it would always come back.

he brought you to 79’s once and it was an eye-opening experience. there had been several complaints and near-fights when someone would get bothered and tup simply wouldn’t register the fact someone had asked him to stop singing, but that was before they met the one he yearned to be beside. before they saw how their vod’s eyes lit up and the way his entire soul seemed to be a little less heavy in his body, the weight on his shoulders shared between you both.

you were spontaneous and funny and kind, bringing tup out of the shell he tended to hide himself in. no one wanted to admit it but they enjoyed seeing how he would melt when your fingers carded through his hair either in preparation for a braid or to relieve the ache in his head his tight bun would sometimes cause. someone needed a happy ending, to have a sliver of kindness in a galaxy where thousands of their brothers died without that same hope, hell, many of them without _names_ to be spoken in remembrance at the end of the battle.

if anyone deserved a happy ending, it was tup.

today, tup’s song sounded brighter and happier than it had in a while yet still holding that reverence. he was excited and longing to see his riduur again after too many weeks spent apart, the joy at returning to coruscant making itself known to anyone within earshot.

_sweet dreams till sunbeams find you_   
_sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you_   
_but in your dreams whatever they be_   
_dream a little dream of me_

even rex seemed to have a little spring in his step at the sound of tup’s joyous rendition of his song, the captain not even taking time to scowl at starchild, who “had no business being so happy in the mornings” according to him. even stranger, he responded with a _mornin’_ of his own when the rookie greeted him the way he always did.

the cycle-long trip back to coruscant was quite chipper, many troopers riding the afterhigh of tup’s happiness to see you again. it brightened the whole ship, the way the trooper radiated love and adoration when you were mentioned, when someone pointed out the happier cadence that had returned to his song yet again. it was all because of you and he never hesitated to tell them you were behind it all.

when they finally docked at the base, tup left like a bat out of hell to get to your apartment. the private comm he shared with you had been destroyed the week earlier and he knew you would be worried out of your mind because of his lack of contact. but that was a fury he would gladly endure because it reminded him that you cared about him.

queen had already offered to take over tup’s duties for the day and tup was forever grateful. he missed you so much and being so close to seeing you again had him in a love daze. he ached to be in your arms once again, to sink into the clawfoot bathtub fit for two and sing to you as he washed your body. to hear you moan his name while he filled you, pleased you, became one with you… he missed it so much.

that’s why he was confused to see your apartment dark when he finally got there.

this was strange; you didn’t work on primedays and would normally be awake by now, breakfast cooking and smelling wonderful in a civvie shirt you bought for him to keep his scent close when he was gone (he knew that was the reason, he’d never actually worn the shirt in public).

“cyare, i’m home! you here?” tup didn’t like the way his voice echoed through the apartment. an inspection was in order.

tup swept through the apartment one room at a time on high alert. something was wrong but he had no way of knowing what it was. not yet at least. “cyare? i would have commed you to tell you i’d be home today, but i lost it on the way to the evac-”  
 _“who the fuck are you and how did you get in here?!”_

was he really that distracted to not notice someone else enter your apartment? and why were they yelling at him? they were the ones who barged in on him.

tup immediately turned towards the foreign voice. he took in their appearance; disheveled and bloodshot but there was something vaguely familiar about them. he didn’t recognize her face from anywhere. he knew for a fact he was in the right apartment, there was no one else that would have a photo of the two of you framed on the end table by the couch.

“i came in through the front door, you can ask the doorman outside.” the first thing that had to be done was to diffuse the situation. even though he was telling the truth, if this woman screamed for help and someone saw a clone standing in an apartment he clearly didn’t own, they would believe any lie this woman could spin.

she scowls and something in tup’s brain tries to connect the dots, but there isn’t enough information for him to draw lines to any semblance of a hypothesis. “that doesn’t answer my first question, _who are you_?!”

his hands come up in surrender and he takes a step backward, wanting to put distance between himself and the raging woman in front of him. “my name is tup, i’m looking for-”

“i know who you’re looking for.” the woman’s voice lost its bite, now turning into something drenched in sorrow tup only saw in the faces of brothers that lost batchmates.

but how would she know he was looking for you? “you do?”

she nodded and walked to the couch, letting herself sink onto it. tup wasn’t comforted at the way the stranger stopped yelling and was now bathing in something akin to grief. what was she grieving? “yeah, i do,” a shaky breath, then she continued. “they told me about you, to make sure you would be notified of what happened when you returned.”

there was something foreboding about the way the woman spoke of his arrival like an oracle would a prophecy. tup was missing several vital pieces of information and he didn’t like the idea of this stranger on your couch having the upper hand in his familiar territory. but he was mostly focusing on the way she spoke of this _something_ happening, and a gnawing feeling told him it had to do with you. after taking a moment to push the sinking feeling away, he spoke once again. “what happened?”

“speeder crash, six days ago.”

what kind of explanation was that? did this woman have any idea how vague those five words were? was there no way for her to know just how many speeder crashes happened every day on coruscant, a planet with a population of one _trillion_ people?

he studied her face more as she kept it turned away from him, her eyes anywhere and everywhere but on him. the way she pursed her lips as if deep in thought. how her fingers were tapping an unknown beat against her thigh in an effort to fight away nerves. these tiny, seemingly insignificant details wormed their way to the front of his brain and it only took moments for tup to feel absolutely _horrified_.

this woman was your mother. the speeder crash she mentioned… the only person that could have been involved - why else was the apartment so empty? you were obviously in the hospital getting better, possibly out buying a new speeder or getting your old one fixed. 

“are they in the hospital? can i see-”  
“you don’t seem to understand.” the woman’s voice was hollow and this was more unsettling than when she was yelling at him. “the crash was fatal. tup, there were no survivors.”

was… was she serious? did you- no, _no_ you couldn’t have. there was no way you could have…

“i’ll leave you alone for a while, let you have some time to process.” her hands were shaky as she rose from the couch and had tup been of his normal state of mind, he would have gone to help her up. but his brain was short circuiting like a kriffing droid around what little information he was given. a datapad was picked up from the coffee table and placed in his hand. “we couldn’t wait too long to hold the service, the spot would have been given away if we didn’t go through.”

tup’s brain barely processed the apology, still not wanting to accept the reality of what she was sorry for. maybe the datapad he was holding could give him some answers.

it was an article about a speeder crash dated to the taungsday before last (eight days earlier). the title read “three dead after blazing crash” and the names of those involved were listed with ages and occupations listed alongside.

your name was among the fatally wounded. there was even a photo of the crash and despite the mangled state, he recognized the speeder he had poured hours of work into in order to keep it running. the 5385 you painted on the side (a surprise for him after he fixed the ignition) was somehow barely tarnished despite the inferno that enveloped most of the vehicle.

it was as if he needed those numbers to truly grasp the reality of what happened, what had changed. you were gone and there was no coming back, not from that. tup lost control of the torrent of grief and pain, letting them swallow him into their depths.

\--------

“has anyone heard from tup?” rex was worried. tup was supposed to check in by now; it never mattered before how long it had been since he’d seen you, he would always remember to check in within the first few hours. right now the night cycle was close to beginning and he hadn’t heard a word from the trooper.

“he’s prob’ly too busy kriffing his riduur, lucky bastard.” dee’s comment got a laugh out of his twin but only won a glare from rex.  
dum nodded in agreement. “if i were him i wouldn’t stop to check in, no offense captain.”

rex rolls his eyes at the unwanted opinions. “he always checks in. unlike you two he’s got a decent amount of sense in his head.” they scoffed at the insult (but they knew it was true and that the captain was joking, albeit slightly). he was far too concerned about tup to wonder about the pros and cons of putting these two nimwits on sanitation.

“captain!” rex immediately began to move toward the shout. _“captain!”_ rex didn’t have a good feeling about the way his kih’vod (he could now tell was jude) shouted for his attention. he couldn’t get the words out to ask him what the problem was before a piercing sob rang out through the barracks.

rex knew that voice.

his feet carried him to tup’s side where he was being supported by queen and starchild. tup’s face was splotchy and his eyes were bloodshot, breathing ragged between shouts. his vodika looked broken. why he did, rex couldn’t for the life of himself guess. tup was supposed to visit you today, reunite after nearly two months of being away.

“what happened?!”  
“he came in like this, sir! he hasn’t said anything coherent yet.”  
“but he had this,” queen hands rex a datapad that was clutched in the hand not supporting tup. his eyes quickly scanned over the article opened and the further he read, the deeper his heart sank.

_“oh, tup’ika, i’m so sorry…”_ fives had appeared next to him while he was reading and all but snatched the datapad from the captain. the arc trooper’s eyes began to water as he learned of your fate.

more brothers gathered at the sound of their vod’s grief. they watched as their brother fell apart, identical eyes searching for answers. fives tried to pull them away from the scene with the promise of information and it worked, the arc able to give his grieving brother some sense of privacy.

tup reached for rex and he was quickly embraced by the blond, nearly collapsing out of the arms of spears and queen. tears and snot quickly went through his blacks but rex would rather shoot his own foot than complain in any way about it. his vod was suffering a loss he couldn’t imagine, his riduur, dead from a speeder crash.

no one knew how long rex sat holding tup through his sobbing nor how long it took for the latter to regain the ability to speak coherently. one thing nearly every soldier in the five-of-first wishes they could forget was the choked and raw tinge behind his song. a grief too terrible to name, too deep to jump into without being lost to it, consumed tup. he sobbed through his song and the only thing rex thought to do was hum right along, softly rocking him in the hopes of getting him to sleep.

_stars fading, but i linger on, dear_   
_still craving your kiss_   
_i'm longing to linger till dawn, dear_   
_just saying this_

\--------

in the weeks after your death, he only spoke when spoken to, his words quiet and minimum. he hadn’t sang a note since he came back from your apartment with the wretched datapad holding the answers to what had become of you while he was gone.

the newest shinies never had to worry about the humming through their helmets’ communication channels, would never get to hear tup sing his homesick song that sated him until he would be able to hold his riduur once again.

_sweet dreams till sunbeams find you_   
_sweet dreams that leave all worries far behind you_   
_but in your dreams whatever they be_   
_dream a little dream of me_

things were slowly beginning to reach a new normal among the five-oh-first. there was still an aching void you used to fill in both tup and the entire battalion, that would never change. but no one ever sang again aboard the resolute, the homesick song remained both a silent, painful memory and comforting blanket to keep them warm.

then they received their next assignment to ringo vinda.


End file.
